not only comfortable, but vulnerable

so is there any strangeness to be found in the fact that I am not as bold faced with the unknown as I would like to be? that I have been known to balk at the prospect of encountering that which I can't hope to control?

I am not yet ready.

thus sayeth Eliphas Lévi:

There are two classes -- freemen and slaves; man is born in the bondage of his passions, but he can reach emancipation through intelligence. Between those who are free already and those who as yet are not there is no equality possible. The past of reason is to rule and of instinct to obey. On the other hand, if you impose on the blind the office of leading the blind, both will end in the abyss. We should never forget that liberty does not consist in the licence of passion emancipated from law, which licence would prove the most hideous of tyrannies; liberation consists in willing obedience to law; it is the rght to do one's duty, and only just men can be called free. Now, those who are in liberation should govern those who are in bondage, and slaves are called to be released, not from the government of the free but from the yoke of brutal passions, as a consequence of which they cannot exist without masters.

so I am not only lawful, I can't see how or why I should give in to any addictions voluntarily. I have resolved to at least put up a fight. but it will be a hard one, for I'm not created without certain strong flows of emotions. call it being sensitive.

Maragor needed some guidance to find his rendezvous point tonight. went directly to Leon's afterwards, only stopping briefly for a Guinness at Dirty Nelly. was invited on the guest list for Ariane's performance with Nicolette on Skansen tonight as well, but I felt obligated to visit my friends. is it not a duty to keep previously arranged appointments?

I think I would feel better about this if I was more self-dependent. for how long didn't I consider myself my own best company? how many nights haven't I spent by myself, sometimes despairing, other times revelling over this miraculous life of ours. but I have now realized I do crave company all the same, and the lenghts to which I will go in order to attain that seem to know no borders.

is it a good or a bad thing? am I getting old for real? I'm no longer lonely though, that's bloody well for sure.

uh-huh

the staggering irony of my last entry only becomes obvious when viewed on the background that I

1. had played Diablo (1) for almost three hours straight without intending to, and
2. overslept by three hours this morning.

fortunately I had already planned to work late, being invited to the New Circus performance tonight. it's not too far from where Callie lives. hmm...

I just watched Spielberg's AI. it was more than a little, uh, Spielbergian to my tastes, but the story is still a very strong one.