anti-depressives

I was unexpectedly blessed by a rare and occurrence of lucid dreaming tonight. and in a fit of striking originality, I opted to fly. huzzah! it still felt very rewarding, though.

and there was... a presence from someone I have not noticed before. a comforting role. an endearing one. an "it's all right, I love you still"-role. can't remember that ever happening before. (of course there was also ample excitement and intensity. my dreams have become duller and less fantastic with the years, but relatively speaking, they still are rife with coolness.)

"I dreamt of blood upon the shore, of eyes that spoke of sin.
The lake was smooth and deep and black, as was her scented skin."

-- Jane Jensen, Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers

I've been feeling sorry for Cassii since Toffee passed away. but she's well off with Kevin. more power to her. if one thing has been made perfectly clear for me, it is that sympathy or pity can be seriously ill placed.

I don't know if it was from pity or necessity (or her own comfort) that Callie offered to help me do the dishes tonight. looks like she'll be staying at my place for the most of her week-long apprenticeship deployment (working practice).

I am privileged. really.
for the sharing of experiences with someone, the discussing of matters close and far, and the actual holding of someone is a tremendous physical treatment for more mental ailments. so I am no longer single. so what? as long as we don't feel held back by the one or the other.

to realize that we have this one life, and to do what we wish, in a paraphrase of the inscription on the fabled Auryn. (and this is not necessarily as tightly connected with the Crowley-polluted philosophy of doing whatever we like to do, here and now. as Ende demonstrated.) to bring forward the best in each of us. to help one another feel good about this existence...

Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Spread a little happiness as you go by
Please try

-- Grey/Newman, Spread A Little Happiness (Mr Cinders)

loneliness isn't very conducive to feeling good. being alone without feeling lonely can be extremely positive, OTOH. if the object of being, the purpose of life really is to love, like Ende postulated, then I, being lucky enough to enjoy a position as a man with a full arsenal of resources here amongst my friends, have little more left to fulfill.

"now listen. we're. there. to help you." -- Motorpsycho, The One That Went Away

except attaining the goals I have set for myself, consciously or not. they are not currently topping my pri list, but there will be a time for that.

wonder how Lorien is doing from day to day. wish you'd give me a call, sweetie, because old scatterbrained me never seems to get around to call anyone. should remedy that soon.

extract the sap, but do not drain the tree in the process.

here's a little something from the exo-LJ diary of Cassii.

i had a discussion with stuart the other day about how friends come and go. i remember back when i was in grade school and even a bit in highschool, how my friends were the most important thing in my life and how hurt i was when i'd lose a friend (for whatever reason). i guess i thought that all my best friends at that time were going to be around for the rest of my life. but i can look back now on my groups of friends and realize that even if some were close at various points in time, they've all moved on or been left behind, for whatever reasons. am i bitter about it? no. i know that some of them i left because my path led in a different direction and maintaining a friendship with them would hold me back. some left because their paths led away from me. i value those friends for what they gave me at the time, but i know that most (if not all) friends will come and go. there are very very few that will last and be there for the rest of my life. i'm glad to say that i have one friend that is still my best friend after 12 years, and i believe she will be that one friend that will last. we both realize that our lives are leading us in separate directions, but we still insist on holding that friendship together regardless. we don't let our differences break us apart. we value each other too much.

when I first read this, I was taken aback by her cold realism, and perhaps pragmatism on behalf of ambition. but I see now that she has a point. the only friends we are bound to get along with, whom we can count on being with us for the entirety of our lives, are really our families. for those of us lucky enough to have one, that is.

so I called Father just now. he hadn't heard the news and was eager to follow it on TV, but that's all right as I didn't feel like talking too long anyway. I still tire too easily. don't know where I should turn to gain more energy now. I was so well off pep-wise after my vacation last month, I don't know where to go now.

Callie's coming over later, thank the gods.

feel like sleeping.

"...my cup runneth over!"

*yawn*

so how about a depression, anyway? how about a recession? no, how about a black, gaping hole to usher all our petty problems and daily troubles into? or would they be magnified instead? I dunno. I just wish for something to happen to halt our chauvinistic and egotistic manner of behavior.

and to coerce us to stop and consider each other.

and to care.


the mystery Ep2 trailer didn't quite impress me, either.


later note: sorry for brain farting and setting the above comment inside a <H1></H1> element. and then neglecting to proofcheck it onsite. very unprofessional of me, considering what I do for a living... oh well, it has only been 18 hours. =P