"there's something I want to tell you, but I'm not sure how you're going to react..."

I could have written so much.

is Callie fond of me? does she care about me?
no, what I observe is converging closer and closer to the term BadCop introduced her to - unconditional love.

from the pages of the Green Books, one of the respected literary scholars (she references C.S.Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, and I want my audiobook copy read by John Cleese!) demonstrates my point in one of her Counterpoints, as it were:

I would be sorry indeed if any of my readers supposed that I was preaching to them out of a higher state. I wrestle with what I know I should do vs. what I feel like doing every day of my life. The funny thing is, though, when I've done what I felt like doing and neglected what I should have done, I'm almost never the happier for it. When I've had my fun, gone out to eat, or played around on my computer, my house is still cluttered, every dish I own still dirty, my two parakeets still living in a mucked-up cage, and my final papers still undone. Far from making me happy, the knowledge that not only have I wasted time when I could have been accomplishing something, but also that I still have the tasks ahead of me to do, makes me despondent and disgusted with myself. But nothing remains but to ask for help and to try again. It’s all a part of growing up. The immature person is ruled by emotion; thus they are unstable and changeable in their affections and actions. When we've learned to see the road a little clearer and to know and govern our own responses to it, then we will have a better shot at making our actions subject not to our emotions, but to our wills, which are in turn bound strictly to our consciences. Then let Screwtape have his say! We will fend him off with the best the human spirit has to offer.

-- Anwyn, Emotion and Commitment

we do what we must do. so help us gods.

my emotions go through the entire spectral range these days. despair followed by exhilaration. not to say that I'm suspecting bipolar disease, not even close, but it's pretty disturbing.

I experience love. disdain. anger. compassion. resignation.
even pangs of inexplicable jealousy towards poor Simon.

perhaps my old German teacher might have been right after all. "you must never let yourselves become a slave to your feelings."

it took me a long time to adjust my stance to more closely fit hers. I had to grow older, but Callie is still a long way from realizing this yet. and I cannot help her comprehend it. she is simply unreceptive to that kind of talk.

the hiatus of my vacation will in all probability have little effect on the relationship as such, one way or the other. but she has gradually reduced the length of the intervals she can bear to be without me. this will be our longest period apart for some time.

I fear she has grown too dependent on me.

"Absence Makes The Heart Go Yonder" -- Roberta Williams, King's Quest 2

one can only hope.

nooo...

shit hit the fan here at work today.

since I got here at 05 I was hoping to go home at 13, but nooo. unstable environment driving me mad and scrambling to organize meetings to get things to reassemble themselves.

and I'm on the brink of feeling sorry for myself. I usually despise people who do.

going on my 15th hour here, I have no energy left but plenty of tasks to finish. should have said farewell to Simon in person, too.

the worst thing?

I'm homesick. really, really wanting to go home to Mother and Father. and Sis is on her way there now, too.

need to escape the city. solution oriented, that's me.

"I'm so tired I can't sleep" -- Kurt Cobain, Pennyroyal Tea

"A mouthful of water is enough to make the world go 'round with 1. coffee 2. sugar 3. cigarettes to go" -- Viggo Mastad, (Israelvis song from Albino Blue, ashamed that I don't remember its title)

point was that that's all I've eaten today, anyway.