"...you mean so incredibly much to me"

shying away from my responsibilities is not an entirely recent behavioral pattern of mine.

what's new is that my priorities have slightly shifted. I now see it as my task to keep Callie happy. (wasn't there a Disney comic book story where the plot revolved around a culture wherein someone who saved someone's life twice, would thereby be assuming responsibility for that saved person for the rest of their lives.?)

I can't give her up, even if I still feel the way I do. her mood has improved noticeably now as opposed to how it was when I first met her half a year ago. thanks to me, she claims.

but as long as I know there is a risk that I could potentially cause her a lot of grief without intending to, my position is insecure. all I know is that hurting must be avoided.

but at what cost?
when am I going to prioritize my own happiness and well-being?
as many people recently have asked me...
Callie certainly has become devoted to this (instructing me in detail on what and when to eat, for instance). so I guess there wouldn't be any problem after all, eh?

it's no secret that I do love Callie, as I love my closest friends. and then some. true, it's not exactly that rare "in-love" feeling that she has towards me, but I can live without that. but sooner or later I fear somebody's going to come along and steal my heart for real. again. like Cassii did.

for I know I haven't been insusceptible to, ah, others even when I've been dating Callie. disastrous events might therefore conceivably take place despite my present good intentions, not unlike the way Callie met me. and as Bast said, it's all my own fault for letting things go too far. but seeing how much good it has done Callie in retrospect, how could I refrain from doing everything I could to improve her situation?

this is actually a deadlock. a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. and yet, right now there's a historic high in my feelings towards her. she is getting closer to me day by day. and if I have unknowingly deceived myself, like I did two years ago, I know the sense of loss will be all the more painful this time. I know it, because I genuinely care a whole lot more for Callie than I did even for my ex. to whom I sent this album, BTW:

it's difficult not to worry about what happens next
certain looks sort out confused looks
and I watched us talking in the mirror
and you put on that look
that says this little star wishes she weren't single
it is the eye that catches me a man protesting his worth
it is the year that catches you putting the shake on your words
you are alert as a tigress at a common table with her fate
you can almost taste it
we´ll be gone by morning or be together by then
we´ll be gone by morning or be together by then
and I believe every woman has made up her mind to win

-- Jason Molina, Tigress

I love Songs: Ohia.

BadCop should be understanding of this. I might be coming with him to Blitz tonight to watch The Locust & JR Ewing. or maybe I should just walk home.

I desire chips with sour cream & onion.

not knowing where to belong

so Magnoose phoned me just now, he's home on weekend leave. called me from Møllers.

I said I'd drop by. just as well, I've come to terms with my lack of initiative here. watching tv, of all things. god damn.

and I'm hungry, too. where am I going with my life?

out to the pub, most likely. don't want to drink, but...I need my friends.